When I was young I thought you could only have one best friend. Made sense to me that you have a friend that is the BEST. Only ONE can be the BEST. You can only have one. One. Best. Friend. As I got older I realized you could have more than one best friend. Each friend could be best at something or you could have a best friend who is best at everything but the title of best friend is not regulated to one. So now as an adult I am very blessed to have more than one friend that is best. I have a few best friends. And now sadly, heartbreakingly, I might have to kill one of my best friends.
How how can I do that? How do you kill your best friend? Some say it’s humane, it’s the right thing to do. But if it is the right thing to do why does it feel so wrong? When I hear the turmoil in her tummy, I think, “Poor girl.” When she has very bad litter box trips, I think that’s really no way to live. But when I look in her eyes and ask her if she’s ready to go I don’t think they are saying she is ready. When she lies by the open door and she is so still I think she is near death or already dead, then there is the tiniest noise outside and she jumps up to sitting position to see what it is, I don’t think it is right.
How do you kill your best friend? It might be different if there were words and they were asking. But to make the decision to decide my best friend would be better off dead – gone forever – how? How can I kill my best friend?
My heart has always broken for those who were faced with that decision and did it. I have always believed them to be so strong . . . . because I always knew I wouldn’t be. She is a cat and I have different beliefs regarding animals, than I do people. I believe many people I will see again, but I was taught I would not see my pets again. I somewhat feel their death is permanent, whereas people are passing onto another place. (And by somewhat, I have come up with an idea, but that is for another post.) While I miss the people who have died I have steady faith that I will be with them again . . . but a cat? A dog? A rabbit? A bird? And to be the one RESPONSIBLE for having ended that life. Being the one to make my best friend go away FOREVER.
I just realized today that I have the most simplistic goal for life: I want to wear a hole in my cat’s head from kisses. I want to at least make a bald spot. If she is gone, I won’t be able to complete that goal. This post is taking a long time to write because I keep going downstairs to work on that goal. Or at least check on her. I put a mirror behind the TV where she has been lying lately. That way I can see if she is there before I get all the way down the stairs. Then I stare unblinkingly the entire time I am walking down the stairs towards her — I want to see if she is breathing. If I don’t see her reflection in the mirror then I know to start my search elsewhere. The picture in this post is from the stairs, the ceiling is in the frame up at the top along with the dining room light fixture in the upper right. I only have to go down a few stairs to check on her.
I know this post and all my post about our cat aren’t fitness related. But they are health and wellness related; this is me releasing some of my heartache in hopes that it will help get me through. Don’t know what tomorrow will bring . . . . but I know that I am not ready to kill my best friend. I hope it does not come to that. But (sigh), I hope that if, or more probable — when the time comes I will be as strong and able as many, many of you have been. For now, this is the stage I am in. This is how I feel. I am not ready to throw in the towel and give up on her.
We are going to begin a new treatment shortly (as soon as it arrives – which will hopefully be VERY soon) and maybe that will allow us to see some progress. We will see. This is me sharing. Thanks for listening.
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