Posted by terrepruitt on December 6, 2014
In addition to oiling my buffet in preparation for Christmas Decorations, I also took down all the “Death Cards”. The top of the buffet was crammed full of cards I received because of the deaths that have occurred this year. If you have read my blog for a bit you probably know about my mom dying. She died in April. It was sudden to me, yet it dragged out for 10 days while she waited, with a tube in her throat, unable to speak, for the doctors to take the tube out so she could die. But then she didn’t die for another 11 days. I have a separate page here on my blog for her. You are probably aware of the death of our cat. She was so sweet. I like to think she was an angel and I will see her again. I know she did a lot for the people she encountered. But you might not know about my brother. Yeah, he was the first one to die. He died in January. I got a call from my niece saying he was dead.
Now, I haven’t mentioned my brother because at the time there was some legal issues or more accurately there COULD have been legal issues. My brother was a widower and a single parent. He and his daughter lived in another state and we needed to get her guardianship and all that stuff taken care of before word got out. My niece has life goals so she wanted to finish her school year up where she lived before she relocated. So she was top priority. By the time everything was straightened out AND I felt like sharing about his death, my mom got sick. I literally was going to post about my brother that week.
My mom was waiting to die for a long time (as I mentioned). She went in the hospital for one thing, she was told they could “fix it”, but then they decided they couldn’t and told her she had to decide when to die. Not an easy choice. She picked a day and it didn’t go as they had thought. So that was another process. During all of this I was focused on her. And I thought that (think that) the way people die in the United States is so horrific, I was writing posts about that. I was dealing with all of that. I was not sharing about my brother.
Then, our cat died. As I have mentioned in other posts, I am not really a writer. I had never really experienced the “release” people get from writing or journaling. But with posting about my mom and the cat I kinda understood. Plus, it is soooo amazingly helpful to get support from people all over, close-in-person friends as well as people who I have never met face-to-face but have online relationships with. So I was supported by that.
Now my mom’s memorial is over. People keep questioning me about getting another cat. With life moving on, I feel I am ready to share. I feel I need to tell the world about my brother’s death. Since I shared about all the other deaths, his should not go unmentioned.
I thought it would be appropriate to share now, while I am putting away all the cards of love — because that is what they really are. They are notes and cards of expressions of love ABOUT death. It was so heart-warming to have received those tokens. It is nice to have them still.
For those that want more details, because death makes us curious, my brother was 48, he was not in the best of health and he died of an aneurysm. It is ok to be curious. That is human nature. You are welcome to ask more questions if you want. I reserve the right to answer them in a reply on my blog or privately via e-mail, though. There might be more posts in the future . . . but for now here it is.
My awesome neice has since been relocated and is doing well. She is awesome because life at her age is “hard” enough without all the stuff she has been given to deal with. We have yet to see how it all turns out.
So, take a moment, if you knew my brother or not . . . . . thanks.
Steven L. Bacho 06.18.1965 – 01.17.14
Posted in Diane Bacho, Misc | Tagged: 2014 year of death, brother died, cat died, Christmas decorations, condolence cards, death, mom died, Steven Bacho | 28 Comments »
Posted by terrepruitt on August 9, 2014
Today we had a celebration event for my mom. Saturday, August 09, 2014. I am writing this before hand so that I can schedule it to post and not have to think about it on Saturday. I am writing it as if it already happened. I will have it post AFTER the event, so it will be over and this will not be construed as an invitation to the event. Even though this is a picture of the actual invitation to the event.
Even though, I don’t want my blog to turn into a blog about death and dying, as I have said before. There have been a few deaths this year so there will be more posts. I would like to eventually share more of my mom’s story because she went through a lot and I feel I want to brag about how brave she was. Plus, if you have read a few of the related posts you know writing about things is my pressure valve because I still have very angry feelings about how we expect humans to die.
In addition to sharing her story, I will probably have pictures of the celebration to share with you and words to write about how wonderful it was. I will be so glad when it is over as planning it has been so very stressful and time consuming. It is impossible to please everyone so I don’t bother trying . . . but this was not my event to plan. And as you may know, grief tends to cloud one’s thinking, making decisions difficult. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that there is so much thinking — too much thinking . . . well, that can be left for a separate post. I have faith that everything was perfect and no stress was required.
My mom is worth celebrating. And a loving crowd was invited to gather to share stories, to laugh, to live, to “eat-drink-and-be-merry”, as the saying goes. Our merry is in tribute because that is what she wanted. “Celebrate” and “purple” was the idea. She wanted us to have a party and we added the purple because that was her favorite color.
Monday, August 11, 2014 will mark four months since her death.
If you have a story with my mom in it and you would like to share, please go to her Memorial page and share in the comments. (Click here!)
Posted in Diane Bacho | Tagged: August 09 2014, celebration of life, loved one's death, mom | 10 Comments »
Posted by terrepruitt on June 14, 2014
Everyone is so different. We all have different ways of doing a lot of things. Sometimes we can see things the same way in order to function. We can get along or just go along with ideas and customs to just have peace. Or we can do it for a loved one. But it seems like when it comes to death and our beliefs around it there is sometimes a huge separation. You can be going along in life completely meshing up with everyone around you and then someone dies and BAM! You suddenly don’t agree on anything. The way we all handle death is so different. I understand the five stages of grief*, “popularly known by the acronym DABDA”, (although, I have never heard it called that). I am not saying that I understand each stage in the sense that I have experienced them, I am saying I understand that someone has identified these as stages people grieving might go through. But what people do during these stages and after is still very individualized. Everyone deals with grief differently, I understand that, although I do not agree with how everyone deals with it as you might have guessed if you read Grief Is a Very Personal Thing, where I say people grieve differently and as long as they aren’t mean or causing harm I don’t like to label their behavior unacceptable. This post is not so much about behavior, I don’t think. I know that many people want their loved ones near or they want to be able to visit their loved ones, but I am not one of those people. I think of my loved ones as being gone . . . so having their remains near by is just odd to me.
Today I was trying to concentrate on learning a Nia routine and it is one that has the Nia participant turning to face all four walls. So that means I turn to each four walls in the room. I found myself facing the ashes of loved ones at two of the walls. The first and second wall, so by the time I got to the third and fourth wall I was lost in other thoughts. I had been avoiding the room upon my travels through the house. Normally I walk into this room to get to the back rooms because it is the softer path, but I had been avoiding it. But this is the best, the largest room to practice in so I was doing my Nia practice in it. But it just happens to have three of my relatives in it. I don’t care for that.
As I type all three of them are at my back. I bet I would not be as conscious of it had I not seen a post on Facebook from a friend who is pretty confident she did not receive the correct ashes of her pet. She posted a picture of the paw print of what she received compared to the pet she had. She has similarly sized pets still so she compared paws. The mold she received was at LEAST four times larger. And she went onto say that she has about three cups of ash. She said she thought her pet would be about one. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
It got me thinking. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! How many cups of people are in this house. WHAT???????????? Sigh. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Whew. People are so different. Many people have loved one’s ashes. In fact, they sell beautiful urns to contain these ashes. We’ve (probably) all seen those horrendous comedy TV shows where someone has accidentally spilled the ashes all over. Breathe.
I just don’t know what to think about that. I am working on letting people do what they need to do. But, I personally don’t need to do it. I think that tomorrow I will workout in another room — and probably from here on out. I — don’t care to have THAT kind of reminder of my loved ones around. To each their own. And let everyone be . . .
Donna, thanks for always making me laugh, even if it is particularly in horror.
Thoughts? What are your thoughts about this? Are you an ashes and urn type of person? Please feel free to share your feelings. I’ve shared mine.
*The five stages of grief (according to Wiki):
- Denial — As the reality of loss is hard to face, one of the first reactions to follow the loss is Denial.
- Anger — “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; ‘”Who is to blame?”; “Why would God let this happen?”
- Bargaining — “I’ll do anything for a few more years.”; “I will give my life savings if…”
- Depression — “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “I’m going to die soon so what’s the point?”; “I miss my loved one, why go on?”
- Acceptance — “It’s going to be okay.”; “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for it.”
Posted in Diane Bacho | Tagged: ashes, DABA, DABDA, death, Facebook, five stages of grief, four wall dance, how many cups of ashes is a person, how many cups of ashes is a pet, Nia, Nia Classes, Nia participant, Nia Practice, Nia routine, paw print, pet ashes, urns | 4 Comments »
Posted by terrepruitt on April 19, 2014
Truth. This is not from Trainer Terre or Nia Teacher Terre, this is from The-Daughter-Who-Spent-All-Day-Cleaning-Out-Her-Mothers-Closets. Note: this is the second time I’ve type this as my laptop shut down on me. So now all I can say is that I was ok until we watched 47 Ronin which ends in everyone dying — even those in love – and it was more than I wanted to deal with after having gone through a couple of closets and drawers of my mother’s. It was obvious that my mom loved a bargin. Yet she was very fashion conscious. That she cared for her bargins was evident from how she washed her clothes on the delicate wash cycle and how so many of her things were hung up inside out. It was obvious how much she cared for the clothes no matter how much they cost. It was obvious – to me – that she thought she would be around a lot longer to enjoy said wardrobe.
As I went through each item, so obviously and lovingly cared for, I thought of how much she would have been happy to pass these clothes on to someone who would love them and get use out of them. But we all have our own feelings and ideas of wearing clothes from a dead person’s wardrobe. Many people I contacted were very hesitant. I don’t fault them that, as I said, we all have our own feelings and ideas.
But one person’s response brought tears to my eyes. I told her that I might have shoes for her (depending on her size) and that there were earrings that had her name on them. I asked her if she was she interested. She said, “I’d be honored.” After having seen how well my mom took care of her clothes and stuff. And after seeing all the cute shoes she had that I can’t wear because she had such a small foot. After experiencing that weird feeling of, “this person was keeping things for a life yet to be lived”. It was so wonderful to hear that someone would be grateful to receive stuff from her. It made me so happy to think that my mom’s stuff would be enjoyed. Those three simple words made me humbled to be related to such a woman that would speak them. Those words also made me determined to wear stuff from my mom’s closet and fashion jewerly stash to the family’s Easter celebration tomorrow. I pictured myself standing tall in one of my mom’s color coordinated top ensembles with the dangly fashion gold earrings sparkling as I swished my proud-to-be-my-mamas-daughter-head about! —All this from my cousin’s exclamation.
Thank you, Cousin for helping me though this. Thank you for helping me feel like my mom and the way she lovingly took care of the stuff that mattered to her matters to someone else too. It is very difficult to get rid of things that a loved one had and cared for. When such items can be passed on to someone that will get use of of them, it makes it seem less of a loss–to me.
How do you feel? So you think it is great to pass stuff on? Do you want to just throw stuff away? Do you pass it on to Goodwill? Do you keep it forever? What do you think?
Posted in Diane Bacho | Tagged: awesome clothes, clothes of the dead, Diane Bacho, Easter 2014, Goodwill, Nia, Nia Teacher | 2 Comments »
Posted by terrepruitt on April 3, 2014
Well, I didn’t want to turn this into a blog about death, but I have so many wonderful people asking me what is going on it is just so much more efficient for me to write it out. It saves time and heartache . . . I can just give one update and then point people to this. I don’t have to keep repeating myself. This is turning out not at all how we were told it would turn out. Which is really starting to annoy me because with everything that is now happening the medical staff is saying, “Oh that happens, sometimes.” Really? Well, no one told us that all this stuff might happen.
My mom has cancer. The size of her trachea has been reduced due to the cancer. The thought was that it would be reduced and damaged even further by the tube’s insertion and extubation. She had a tube in her throat for 10 days. The tube was connected to a ventilator but it was rarely breathing for her. For most of the 10 days she was breathing on her own, but the medical professionals felt that she would not be able to breathe without the tube. So when they told her she needed to pick a day on which they removed it the feelings were that not long after that she would die. But that has not been the case. The tube was removed at 2:28 pm on Monday, March 31, 2014 and she is still breathing on her own, today is Thursday, April 3, 2014.
Some of the “stuff” we were not aware of that could happen, the stuff my dad keeps being told sometimes happens is she is waking up. She wakes up and talks to him. One time it was for two hours (I think that was Wednesday). The nurses say she talks to them. She responds to inquiries about specific meds. She says thank you when then rearrange her. Her brain is not damaged nor is she in a coma, so she wakes up.
She is not hooked up to anything, but an IV for fluids. She gets fluids and meds. But she is wasting away . . . as happens to a body that does not get food after six days. A slow drawn out death.
I didn’t know that she would wake up and have moments of lucid consciousness. I thought the drugs they administer would keep her unconscious. So I am kind of annoyed that I am missing it. But at the same time I was happy that it was a couple of hours that my dad was able to spend with her. Alone. She was sad that they didn’t make it to their 50th wedding anniversary. That would have been 2015. There are many other things she was sad about but that was one thing she shared. I came home because I was under the impression that it would not go on this long. I was also under the impression that she would just sleep until the end.
Everyone copes differently . . . some of us continue on with our lives while other shut down. Shutting themselves away to wallow in sorrow. How people cope is a personal thing. Neither is right or wrong . . . it is just how we deal. I have been lifted up by teaching my classes and moving. My Nia students care and are supporting me. One of my yoga classes, the students don’t know. In one class where I was just subbing they didn’t know, but the peace and serenity in which they practiced REALLY helped me. It was so lovely to see their faces while they held their poses.
If it is not too much trouble, please keep your prayers and positive thoughts coming. They really are a source of strength to me.
Feel free to comment.
Posted in Diane Bacho | Tagged: brain damaged, breathing tube, cancer, coma, death, extubation, positive thoughts, prayers, trachea cancer | 20 Comments »
Posted by terrepruitt on April 1, 2014
HOLY MOLY!!!! Sigh. Ok, I feel that since I started it, I need to continue with it. Right? I mean, it is not my intention to make my blog all about death, but since I asked for love and support, I think it is only fair that I give you all an update. I sat with my mother in her hospital room for roughly seven days. During that time she was presented with an option that would have been extremely painful and risky. The surgeon gave three scenarios that could occur and two of them pretty much ended with immediate death, so she opted to skip the procedure and just spend her last days with a tube down her throat, unable to speak and unable to cry. She entertained visitors. Not many because it was exhausting to her. She also was asked to pick the day on which she would have the tube removed. The thoughts were that her trachea is so encroached with cancer and would be so traumatized by the tube that when they pulled it out she would not have much time before she died.
Regarding the procedure mentioned — for those that are curious — it was a stent. A stent was to be placed in the trachea. The idea was that it would hold open the collapsing trachea so that she could breathe. But, it would only be for a few days. The stent is not a permanent or even semi-permanent solution. It is also metal and rigid, it would not have flexed and moved. It would have been very uncomfortable/painful, because the trachea moves.
She did not want to go. She had a lot left she wanted to do. Knowing she couldn’t do ALL that she wanted to do before she died, she thought she could at least do SOMETHINGS. So she decided to have the tube removed on Monday. She made that decision on a Wednesday. It is MY belief that if she knew all that she would have to go through between Wednesday, March 26th, and Monday, March 31st she would not have picked that day. But she wanted to at least get her Easter cards written out. She also wanted to advise me of who gets what in the stack of Christmas gifts she already bought. She also wanted to spend as much time with her family as she could — who wouldn’t, right? But in order to do so she suffered a lot. The medical professionals taking care of her were always there to administer the drugs she needed so she wouldn’t be in pain, but those drugs made her groggy and unable to think clearly so sometimes I think she held off a bit. Plus the procedures that need to be done to allow someone to breath through a tube are not comfortable. So anyway . . .
We got to visit for several days. As I have said several times, she was unable to talk with the tube in her throat. She also was unable to cry because the contractions that happen when one cries caused too much pain. Normally I would not tell someone not to cry because crying is such a great release. I believe crying is good for the BMES – ha, yes, that is a Nia acronym. It helps clear the tear ducts and allows for a physical release. Crying helps clear the mind also. It is an emotional release as well as a spirit helper so to me, it is a good thing. So if you want to cry, cry — except while you are driving or you have tube down your throat and it hurts too much.
I was there until Friday night. I got home around midnight on Friday. I came home to do some laundry, teach a yoga class, do some paper work, and pick up my husband. We went back up Saturday night. We visited all day Sunday and waited around for 1:00 pm on Monday. We all were under the impression that at 1:00 pm it would happen. But we all forgot that “hospital time” is not exact. They do things — even scheduled things — around other things. So our 1:00 pm scheduled extubation turned into 2:28 pm. I trusted the medical staff (although it turned out not to be who we were told it would be) would see that she was not in pain, but we still didn’t know if there would be any gasping and gagging and who knows. I was confident that it would not be a long time after. I saw the MRI of the trachea/esophagus area. Nurses and doctors helped convince me that it would be quick. Well it was not. We are going into our 29th hour. While my mom is so medicated she doesn’t know what is going on and she feels no pain . . . this is NOT what she would have wanted. Lingering on. In fact every visitor that came to visit her while I was there, her answer to their comment of “I’m praying for you.” was “Pray that I don’t linger.” Again, I am at a loss.
Yes, we all have ideas as to why she has not died . . . . she is not ready . . . . she is doing it in her own time (something we call Natural Time in Nia) . . . ALL TYPES of ideas . . . but really we don’t know. All that I know is that this is really hard on my dad. This is not a case where she might revive and be ok. This is not a hopeful, “Oh, I’ll sit by your bedside until you are awake.” This is a grueling death watch. Judge me anyway you want, I left last night. I didn’t want to see her as I know she would not want to be. I didn’t want to hear the “death rattle”. Ugh! Since it is hard on my dad, if it drags on until the weekend I will go back up.
Well, this post is way longer than I like to have my post, but I really wanted to let you know what the status is. Also . . . I guess it helps to write it out. One more thing . . . I believe that I would not have been able to handle this if it weren’t for all of you. So many people have “come out of the wood work” to share and support and deliver sparkles. So thank you all for sharing and caring and giving. I have not been told I am loved or said, “I love you” this much in as many days before in my life.
Please keep up with those thoughts, prayers, stories, sparkles, and all that jazz. It REALLY helps!
Posted in Diane Bacho | Tagged: BMES, breathing tube, cancer, death, esophagus, extubation, hanging on, lingering, love and support, Natural Time, Nia, stent, trachea | 24 Comments »
Posted by terrepruitt on March 29, 2014
I had started a post telling the story of my mom’s last few years but then I had to go be with her. It was the first half of Deciding On Death. I was trying to finish it today, but I have to go. I have to get to her.
I realized as I was typing the title Deciding On Death that it might make people think my mom decided to die instead of stay alive. But that really was not the case earlier this week. She was told by the doctors that she had to pick the day. So a more accurate title would have been Deciding Which Day To Die.
Anyway . . . you might be wondering how I can be thinking about a Goodie Jar when faced with this awful thing. Well, I will tell you. First of all everyone deals with death differently. I’ve know this, but I very much experienced when my mother-in-law died. We all have our own way.
The way we are having to go through this is really awful and hard, but death is a part of life. We all die. Period. There is no getting around that.
For me, I have faith. I have faith in a plan, I have faith in an after life, I have faith in God. My mom, is really strong and is just being amazing . . . . she is helping us through this. I am also keeping really busy. I have also turned to my social network. I have an idea that when a loved one dies most people want to shout it out, most people want the world to know their pain — for whatever reason —- and I wanted to shout it out, so I did. And let me tell you, best thing I did! BEST. THING.
At one moment I was peaceful. Then someone shared an issue with me and wanted me to deal with it — even though it was not MY issue it was theirs and someone else’s — and that raised my stress level. Then I looked at my phone and saw an unfamiliar number. I thought it was a sales call but decided to listen to it anyway. And — SNAP! — Right then and there two seconds after I heard the voice and Jill announced her name, I was calmed. I was FILLED to the brim with joy. She has a beautiful voice and I had NEVER HEARD IT BEFORE. Her voice calmed me. Her words filled me. I am loved. I am supported. I said to myself, “HECK YEAH!” Because I had hesitated before I posted and then — BAM! — right away, the return was fabulous. I was transported into a good place.
And it is continuing to come. I am getting love, support, all the sparkles I asked for. I am getting stories about my mom. Stuff I didn’t know that is really cool to know. I just commented on my blog post to someone, “I guess they don’t call it support for nothing! ;-)”
So, remember all this time I have been telling you that the Goodie Jar is to remind us to take a moment to look at the good even though there is “other stuff”. Yeah, I wasn’t just blowing smoke people. There is ALWAYS good. And — for me, I am not saying that anyone else has to do this, this is ME, for me, myself and I — I HAVE to look at the good. I have to focus on the positive otherwise you would need a huge SHAM-WOW to mop up a huge Terre-size puddle that was on the floor!
So everyone of you that has taken time to share a story, send uber goodness at me and my family — YOU are all going in my Goodie Jar! I am ready to transfer to a bigger container now. Thank you.
(Monday, March 31, 2014, 1:00 pm)
What are YOU putting in your Goodie Jar?
PS – I reserve the right to become a puddle. 🙂
Posted in Diane Bacho, Good Things in the Goodie Jar, Misc | Tagged: death, Deciding on Death, faith, God, good things jar, Goodie Jar, mom, Monday March 31 2014 | 8 Comments »