So how do you handle grief? Pub med says, “Grief is a reaction to a major loss.” But then it says, “It is most often an unhappy and painful emotion.” Wiki states, “While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement refers to the state of loss, and grief is the reaction to loss.” I guess they mean grief is an EMOTIONAL reaction to a major loss. In relation to death, I believe that everyone grieves in their own way. You have probably heard about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I believe that these are emotions or feelings that people might go through when they are grieving. And just because someone identified these stages doesn’t mean everyone goes through each stage. If people do experience them they might not even be in this stated order. These were just created to help people understand, to cope, and to connect, knowing that you aren’t the only one who felt angry or were in a state of denial. Most important grief is very personal.
We all handle grief differently. We all handle our emotions differently. I believe that people can feel whatever they feel. We don’t always have control over what we feel. Emotions sometimes just pop up. Sometimes they might even surprise us if we look at them. Feelings are what they are. I think it is healthy to let yourself feel whatever comes up. I don’t think emotions should be pushed aside or ignored. I don’t think they should be stifled. Emotions just happen.
I do believe that our reaction to our own emotions or the action we take while experiencing feelings might need to be regulated or contained. For instance if you are grieving and angry it does not help the situation to lash out at those around you. Others are sad too, and maybe they are angry too, but allowing all that anger to come out in harsh words and temper tantrums does no good at all. When one is mean because they are angry at the situation, it does more harm than good. I can understand someone feeling so much pain the first reaction might be to lash out, but for most people saying mean words and forming hurtful sentences is not a habit so in order to be so unkind it takes more effort than just a spur of the moment reaction. Continuing to be cruel is something I deem unacceptable.
I also believe that as long as you are not harming anyone or causing harm to yourself you should be allowed to grieve in your own way for as long as you need to. If I were to not get dressed and do nothing for two weeks, I wouldn’t really be harming anyone. My circumstances would allow me to check out for a couple of weeks. As long as it didn’t last too long it could be good for me. But if I were in a situation where I was a caregiver, let’s say I had kids, it would not be acceptable for me to do nothing for two weeks. Doing nothing for two weeks would cause harm to the children. So how you act because of the grief really depends on the situation, but since it is so personal it is not easy to say that one’s way of acting is wrong.
I also think that there really is no time limit on sadness. I think the sorrow will last forever. I think there are moments of sadness. But I also think that there is joy, it is ok to be happy. It is ok to go on living. I think it is even ok to recall the deceased with happiness. I always marvel at instances where people’s behavior is deemed unacceptable. Again, if they are not causing harm, then they should be able to deal with their grief in their own way. I think it is healthy to allow yourself time and what you need in order to cope. There are definitely as many ways to deal with loss as there are people. Grief and the way one works through it is a very personal thing.
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