Terre Pruitt's Blog

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Posts Tagged ‘death of a loved one’

11:00 PM, Friday, April 11, 2014

Posted by terrepruitt on April 12, 2014

I posted some information on Facebook, but there are Nia students that are not on Facebook, but who read my blog. There are also yoga students who I am not friends with on FB who read my blog . . . and there are many of you who have sent love and support while my mom was dying. I am very grateful for all of the love, support, stories . . . and just everything that has been sent to my family and me. It has helped me more than you know. I will probably go back and tell the story of my mom’s last two years (or so) just because I really feel like sharing the story of the brave woman that she was. Also, it will serve as therapy for me and as a log. I will probably share more about my feelings on this whole “process of dying” that so many people just accept as the way it has to be. I do not agree nor do I feel it is an acceptable way for someone to spend their last days on this earth. The purpose of this post, though is to share with you that my mom died around 11:00 pm on Friday, April 11, 2014.

Dance Exercise, Nia, Nia at the City of San Jose, Nia classes in the South Bay, Nia Teacher, Nia Class, San Jose Nia, Nia San Jose, Nia workout, Nia, Zumba, PiYo, Gentle YogaThe hospital called me at a few minutes before 1:00 am on Saturday, April 12, 2014. So I keep thinking date of death is today, but I was told it was about 11:00 pm on Friday. I don’t know the exact time, but that is not all that important. What is important is that she is done with the twelve days of the “process”.

She went to the hospital on Saturday, March 22, 2014 because she could not breathe. They placed a tube in her throat to open the airway because they thought that they would be able to do more for her on the Monday. But her team of doctors decided that there really was nothing more they could do. One of her doctors was willing to perform a very risky surgery if my mom elected to go that route, but she did not. So she was told that she needed to pick a day to die . . . the conclusion reached by her medical team was that once the tube was removed her damaged trachea would collapse shortly there after and death would be relatively quick.

It was a common occurrence though, for my mother to not do anything according to what the doctors have previously experienced or think would happen. That is just how it has always been. She reacted badly to drugs that no one EVER had reactions to. She was always surprising her doctors and teaching them things by way of her body responding to treatments/procedures/etc differently than they had ever seen. This always served as a reminder to them, over and over, that each body is different.

The tube that was in her throat was thought to be keeping her throat open. As I said, the medical professionals thought once it was removed her throat would collapse. While the tube was hooked up to a ventilator it was rarely breathing for her. She was breathing on her own. Only once in a while — when she was tired — did the machine take over. And most often it was only for a few breaths. So she was able to breathe on her own, it was just an airway issue. Because trachea’s can’t be fixed or transplanted she was told she would die and that she needed to decide when that would be.

Dance Exercise, Nia, Nia at the City of San Jose, Nia classes in the South Bay, Nia Teacher, Nia Class, San Jose Nia, Nia San Jose, Nia workout, Nia, Zumba, PiYo, Gentle YogaShe sat in bed for 10 days contemplating death. All the while she worried about us — did we eat, we should go sleep, etc. She joked with us and allowed us to talk while she listened. The day for the scheduled extubation was stressful and nothing went as planned. In fact it was twelve days after the tube was removed that she died.

I want to emphasize that the hospital staff and my mom’s medical team was very kind and caring and they did all they could to make the dying process “comfortable”. My issue with the process is not with them nor the hospital. As I said, that is another post altogether, but I wanted to explain that she received good care.

We are now able to enter into the grieving stages of “after a loved one dies” . . . because up until now it was a horrific place of limbo. So, if you are able, please keep up all the wonderful stuff you have been doing. Please keep sending positive thoughts and prayers. Throw over that glitter, sparkle, and shine. I have really been lapping it up and I appreciate it so, so, so, so, so, so much.

Make a toast, take a bite, relish the breath . . . . .

Thank you.

Posted in Diane Bacho | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments »

Grief Is a Very Personal Thing

Posted by terrepruitt on November 1, 2011

So how do you handle grief?  Pub med says, “Grief is a reaction to a major loss.”  But then it says, “It is most often an unhappy and painful emotion.”  Wiki states, “While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement refers to the state of loss, and grief is the reaction to loss.” I guess they mean grief is an EMOTIONAL reaction to a major loss.  In relation to death, I believe that everyone grieves in their own way.  You have probably heard about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  I believe that these are emotions or feelings that people might go through when they are grieving.  And just because someone identified these stages doesn’t mean everyone goes through each stage.  If people do experience them they might not even be in this stated order.  These were just created to help people understand, to cope, and to connect, knowing that you aren’t the only one who felt angry or were in a state of denial.  Most important grief is very personal.

We all handle grief differently.  We all handle our emotions differently.  I believe that people can feel whatever they feel.  We don’t always have control over what we feel.  Emotions sometimes just pop up.  Sometimes they might even surprise us if we look at them.  Feelings are what they are.  I think it is healthy to let yourself feel whatever comes up.  I don’t think emotions should be pushed aside or ignored.  I don’t think they should be stifled.  Emotions just happen.

Nia Teacher, Oct. 23, 2011, Nia classI do believe that our reaction to our own emotions or the action we take while experiencing feelings might need to be regulated or contained.  For instance if you are grieving and angry it does not help the situation to lash out at those around you.  Others are sad too, and maybe they are angry too, but allowing all that anger to come out in harsh words and temper tantrums does no good at all.  When one is mean because they are angry at the situation, it does more harm than good.  I can understand someone feeling so much pain the first reaction might be to lash out, but for most people saying mean words and forming hurtful sentences is not a habit so in order to be so unkind it takes more effort than just a spur of the moment reaction.  Continuing to be cruel is something I deem unacceptable.

I also believe that as long as you are not harming anyone or causing harm to yourself you should be allowed to grieve in your own way for as long as you need to.  If I were to not get dressed and do nothing for two weeks, I wouldn’t really be harming anyone.  My circumstances would allow me to check out for a couple of weeks.  As long as it didn’t last too long it could be good for me.  But if I were in a situation where I was a caregiver, let’s say I had kids, it would not be acceptable for me to do nothing for two weeks.  Doing nothing for two weeks would cause harm to the children.  So how you act because of the grief really depends on the situation, but since it is so personal it is not easy to say that one’s way of acting is wrong.

I also think that there really is no time limit on sadness.  I think the sorrow will last forever.  I think there are moments of sadness.  But I also think that there is joy, it is ok to be happy.  It is ok to go on living.  I think it is even ok to recall the deceased with happiness.  I always marvel at instances where people’s behavior is deemed unacceptable.  Again, if they are not causing harm, then they should be able to deal with their grief in their own way.   I think it is healthy to allow yourself time and what you need in order to cope.  There are definitely as many ways to deal with loss as there are people. Grief and the way one works through it is a very personal thing.

Posted in Just stuff, Misc | Tagged: , , , , | 6 Comments »