Terre Pruitt's Blog

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Posts Tagged ‘death’

Legacy Contact On Facebook

Posted by terrepruitt on August 13, 2018

I just received an e-mail from Facebook. My husband had mentioned the subject to me via Facebook messenger while he was not home so we couldn’t talk about it right then, and then, of course, I forgot about it. Then I received the e-mail. Your husband “has chosen you as his Facebook legacy contact”. Of course I don’t really know what that means because he just had typed “Facebook now lets people choose a legacy contact to manage their account if they die” (aside from the idea that we could talk about it). No information as to what that means. So, I thought I had better check it out because the e-mail made me wonder.

The e-mail says:

Hi Terre,
Your husband has chosen you as his legacy contact. This means that you’re currently selected to care for his profile after he passes away and his account is memorialized. This is something that you might want to talk about in person with your husband.

A legacy contact can respond to new friend requests, update their profile picture and pin a post on the person’s timeline. A pinned post is often used to announce things to the community, like details for a service.

There are a few things about being a legacy contact that you should know:

• Legacy contacts aren’t able to log into memorialized accounts, post as
that person or see their messages.

• Legacy contacts can’t change the privacy settings that were in place
before the account was memorialized.

• The account must be memorialized in order for you to take any actions
as legacy contact.

The best way to protect the account of a loved one who’s passed away is to request memorialization for the account as soon as possible. This will keep the account secure.

Learn how to set your own legacy contact.

Thanks,
The Facebook Team

Interesting, huh? Makes sense. I, unfortunately, am friends with a lot of people on Facebook that have died. It is not unfortunate that we were friends, it is unfortunate that they have died. Not sure what the “rule” is regarding those that have died prior to this “Legacy Contact” being put into place, but at this point “A legacy contact is someone you choose to look after your account if it’s memorialized.”

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The information on Facebook regarding legacy contacts, clarifies that the legacy contact can pin a post, but that is only if the person allowed for post on their timeline. It also states that you – when setting your legacy contact – have the option of allowing them to download a copy of what you have shared. It also states that they can update your profile and cover picture. They can also request that your account be removed altogether.

In addition to the information in the e-mail, the information online says a legacy contact can’t remove or add new friends or add an additional legacy contact.

Facebook also states that they may add to the capabilities to a legacy contact in the future.

A legacy contact only gets access after an account has been memorialized. The information on Facebook about that says, “If you don’t choose to have your account permanently deleted, it will be memorialized if we become aware of your passing.”

Now, I don’t know how my husband found out about this because I didn’t know about it. I have never heard of it. So . . . as usually, I am sharing things with you that I learn about.

Did you know about this? Are you going to appoint a legacy contact?

Posted in Misc | Tagged: , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

A Little Imprint

Posted by terrepruitt on July 28, 2017

You might think this is one of the stupidest things you have ever seen. In fact, you might not even know what you are seeing. (Sigh). Well, I was planning on posting it on the anniversary of my cat’s death, but I was pre-occupied as I often am at this time. I am pre-occupied with death, but that of my father’s and trying to handle that stuff. Our cat died June 25, 2014. It has been three years, but just like with love ones that you are close to you still miss them not matter how long it has been. This picture here is a picture of her paw print. The last one she made in the litter.

Dumb. I know. You can’t even really tell what it is. But I know. I know that I didn’t swish it away right away. She was such a great girl. Here is a picture of her paw print.

Spot’s paw print for this Friday Photo.

Dance Exercise, Nia, Nia in the City of San Jose, Nia classes in the South Bay, Nia Teacher, Nia Class, San Jose Nia, Nia San Jose, Nia workout, Nia, Gentle Yoga, Group Ex classes, YMCA, Zumba, Nia Technique, SJ City Fit, SJCityFit

Posted in Cats, Friday Photo, Spot | Tagged: , , , | 10 Comments »

Death, Again!

Posted by terrepruitt on November 21, 2016

So, I have not posted a few times when I normally would have.  I was really going to make a huge effort to post on all my self-imposed scheduled days this month.  The Friday Photos are really helping.  I was confident I could do it, even with all of the Holidays.  I know that I can at least post on Friday even if I can’t think of anything to write because it is just a picture.  The 11th was a Holiday, Veteran’s Day, and I had planned to be out of town, but I was going to have it all set up to go.  I was going to be out of town taking my dad to his surgery for cataracts.  My hubby and I were going to leave late Thursday night to take my dad to an early appointment on Friday.  But on Tuesday a call from a neighbor had me concerned so I was going to go to my dad’s and see what was up then come home Wednesday, teach my Nia and stretch class on Thursday and get ready to be gone for the weekend.  But, I got a surprise when I got to my dad’s house.  He was not alive.  My dad was dead.  It was completely unbelievable.  I am still having a hard time believing it.  I still stop and think, “Wait.  What?”  So here I am writing about death . . . again.

I was just starting to feel really sad about my mom’s death, really feeling the loss, yet at the same time I felt like I was starting to be able to find that bubbly joy again.  Sounds odd and contradictory, but that is what I was feeling.  For me, it is almost as if for the first few months I could just say that I hadn’t seen her in a while.  Ya know, life gets busy . . . it has just been a while since I was able to visit.  Then after a year or so I really started to miss her . . . I couldn’t act as if it has just “been a while” since we visited.  Then recently I was really missing her.  It has been way too long since I heard her voice or seen her or gotten a hug from her.  It is as if the missing of her was settling in to my body.  At the same time I felt like there were days where my dance was just bursting with joy.

And now here I am in a shocker of a situation.

So I am busy dealing with death.  This one is all on me.  So I might be absent from my blog a bit more than usual.  Or I just might be posting about death a lot.  Or I might just stick to cat stuff for a while.  Cat stuff is easy.  There are always pictures to post of cats.  Our cats are awesome and while there might not always be a cute or funny story to tell there are always tons of pictures that I could post.

Sigh.

Posted in Misc | Tagged: , , , | 6 Comments »

Clearing Up Death

Posted by terrepruitt on December 6, 2014

In addition to oiling my buffet in preparation for Christmas Decorations, I also took down all the “Death Cards”.  The top of the buffet was crammed full of cards I received because of the deaths that have occurred this year.  If you have read my blog for a bit you probably know about my mom dying.  She died in April.  It was sudden to me, yet it dragged out for 10 days while she waited, with a tube in her throat, unable to speak, for the doctors to take the tube out so she could die.  But then she didn’t die for another 11 days.  I have a separate page here on my blog for her.  You are probably aware of the death of our cat.  She was so sweet.  I like to think she was an angel and I will see her again.  I know she did a lot for the people she encountered.  But you might not know about my brother.  Yeah, he was the first one to die.  He died in January.  I got a call from my niece saying he was dead.

Dance Exercise, Nia, Nia at the City of San Jose, Nia classes in the South Bay, Nia Teacher, Nia Class, San Jose Nia, Nia San Jose, Nia workout, Nia, Zumba, PiYo, Gentle Yoga, Group Ex City of San Jose, San Jose Group Ex classes, YMCANow, I haven’t mentioned my brother because at the time there was some legal issues or more accurately there COULD have been legal issues.  My brother was a widower and a single parent.  He and his daughter lived in another state and we needed to get her guardianship and all that stuff taken care of before word got out.  My niece has life goals so she wanted to finish her school year up where she lived before she relocated.  So she was top priority.  By the time everything was straightened out AND I felt like sharing about his death, my mom got sick.  I literally was going to post about my brother that week.

My mom was waiting to die for a long time (as I mentioned).  She went in the hospital for one thing, she was told they could “fix it”, but then they decided they couldn’t and told her she had to decide when to die.  Not an easy choice.  She picked a day and it didn’t go as they had thought.  So that was another process.  During all of this I was focused on her.  And I thought that (think that) the way people die in the United States is so horrific, I was writing posts about that.  I was dealing with all of that.  I was not sharing about my brother.

Then, our cat died.  As I have mentioned in other posts, I am not really a writer.  I had never really experienced the “release” people get from writing or journaling.  But with posting about my mom and the cat I kinda understood.  Plus, it is soooo amazingly helpful to get support from people all over, close-in-person friends as well as people who I have never met face-to-face but have online relationships with.  So I was supported by that.

Now my mom’s memorial is over.  People keep questioning me about getting another cat.  With life moving on, I feel I am ready to share.  I feel I need to tell the world about my brother’s death.  Since I shared about all the other deaths, his should not go unmentioned.

I thought it would be appropriate to share now, while I am putting away all the cards of love — because that is what they really are.  They are notes and cards of expressions of love ABOUT death.  It was so heart-warming to have received those tokens.  It is nice to have them still.

For those that want more details, because death makes us curious, my brother was 48, he was not in the best of health and he died of an aneurysm.  It is ok to be curious.  That is human nature.  You are welcome to ask more questions if you want.  I reserve the right to answer them in a reply on my blog or privately via e-mail, though.  There might be more posts in the future . . . but for now here it is.

My awesome neice has since been relocated and is doing well.  She is awesome because life at her age is “hard” enough without all the stuff she has been given to deal with.  We have yet to see how it all turns out.

So, take a moment, if you knew my brother or not . . . . . thanks.

Steven L. Bacho 06.18.1965 – 01.17.14

Posted in Diane Bacho, Misc | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 28 Comments »

Death, It Is So Very Personal

Posted by terrepruitt on June 14, 2014

Dance Exercise, Nia, Nia at the City of San Jose, Nia classes in the South Bay, Nia Teacher, Nia Class, San Jose Nia, Nia San Jose, Nia workout, Nia, Zumba, PiYo, Gentle YogaEveryone is so different.  We all have different ways of doing a lot of things.   Sometimes we can see things the same way in order to function.  We can get along or just go along with ideas and customs to just have peace.  Or we can do it for a loved one.  But it seems like when it comes to death and our beliefs around it there is sometimes a huge separation.  You can be going along in life completely meshing up with everyone around you and then someone dies and BAM!  You suddenly don’t agree on anything.  The way we all handle death is so different.  I understand the five stages of grief*, “popularly known by the acronym DABDA”, (although, I have never heard it called that).  I am not saying that I understand each stage in the sense that I have experienced them, I am saying I understand that someone has identified these as stages people grieving might go through.  But what people do during these stages and after is still very individualized.  Everyone deals with grief differently, I understand that, although I do not agree with how everyone deals with it as you might have guessed if you read Grief Is a Very Personal Thing, where I say people grieve differently and as long as they aren’t mean or causing harm I don’t like to label their behavior unacceptable.  This post is not so much about behavior, I don’t think.  I know that many people want their loved ones near or they want to be able to visit their loved ones, but I am not one of those people.  I think of my loved ones as being gone . . . so having their remains near by is just odd to me.

Today I was trying to concentrate on learning a Nia routine and it is one that has the Nia participant turning to face all four walls.  So that means I turn to each four walls in the room.  I found myself facing the ashes of loved ones at two of the walls.  The first and second wall, so by the time I got to the third and fourth wall I was lost in other thoughts.  I had been avoiding the room upon my travels through the house.  Normally I walk into this room to get to the back rooms because it is the softer path, but I had been avoiding it.  But this is the best, the largest room to practice in so I was doing my Nia practice in it.  But it just happens to have three of my relatives in it.  I don’t care for that.

As I type all three of them are at my back.  I bet I would not be as conscious of it had I not seen a post on Facebook from a friend who is pretty confident she did not receive the correct ashes of her pet.  She posted a picture of the paw print of what she received compared to the pet she had.  She has similarly sized pets still so she compared paws.  The mold she received was at LEAST four times larger.  And she went onto say that she has about three cups of ash.  She said she thought her pet would be about one.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

It got me thinking.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  How many cups of people are in this house.  WHAT????????????  Sigh.  Breathe.  Breathe.  Breathe.  Breathe.

Whew.  People are so different.  Many people have loved one’s ashes.  In fact, they sell beautiful urns to contain these ashes.  We’ve (probably) all seen those horrendous comedy TV shows where someone has accidentally spilled the ashes all over.  Breathe.

I just don’t know what to think about that.  I am working on letting people do what they need to do.  But, I personally don’t need to do it.  I think that tomorrow I will workout in another room — and probably from here on out.  I — don’t care to have THAT kind of reminder of my loved ones around.  To each their own.  And let everyone be . . .

Donna, thanks for always making me laugh, even if it is particularly in horror.

Thoughts?  What are your thoughts about this?  Are you an ashes and urn type of person?  Please feel free to share your feelings.  I’ve shared mine.

*The five stages of grief (according to Wiki):

  1. Denial — As the reality of loss is hard to face, one of the first reactions to follow the loss is Denial.
  2. Anger — “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; ‘”Who is to blame?”; “Why would God let this happen?”
  3. Bargaining — “I’ll do anything for a few more years.”; “I will give my life savings if…”
  4. Depression — “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “I’m going to die soon so what’s the point?”; “I miss my loved one, why go on?”
  5. Acceptance — “It’s going to be okay.”; “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for it.”

 

Posted in Diane Bacho | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Death Watch Continued

Posted by terrepruitt on April 3, 2014

Well, I didn’t want to turn this into a blog about death, but I have so many wonderful people asking me what is going on it is just so much more efficient for me to write it out. It saves time and heartache . . . I can just give one update and then point people to this. I don’t have to keep repeating myself. This is turning out not at all how we were told it would turn out. Which is really starting to annoy me because with everything that is now happening the medical staff is saying, “Oh that happens, sometimes.” Really? Well, no one told us that all this stuff might happen.

My mom has cancer. The size of her trachea has been reduced due to the cancer. The thought was that it would be reduced and damaged even further by the tube’s insertion and extubation. She had a tube in her throat for 10 days. The tube was connected to a ventilator but it was rarely breathing for her. For most of the 10 days she was breathing on her own, but the medical professionals felt that she would not be able to breathe without the tube. So when they told her she needed to pick a day on which they removed it the feelings were that not long after that she would die. But that has not been the case. The tube was removed at 2:28 pm on Monday, March 31, 2014 and she is still breathing on her own, today is Thursday, April 3, 2014.

Some of the “stuff” we were not aware of that could happen, the stuff my dad keeps being told sometimes happens is she is waking up. She wakes up and talks to him. One time it was for two hours (I think that was Wednesday). The nurses say she talks to them. She responds to inquiries about specific meds. She says thank you when then rearrange her. Her brain is not damaged nor is she in a coma, so she wakes up.

She is not hooked up to anything, but an IV for fluids. She gets fluids and meds. But she is wasting away . . . as happens to a body that does not get food after six days. A slow drawn out death.

I didn’t know that she would wake up and have moments of lucid consciousness. I thought the drugs they administer would keep her unconscious. So I am kind of annoyed that I am missing it. But at the same time I was happy that it was a couple of hours that my dad was able to spend with her. Alone. She was sad that they didn’t make it to their 50th wedding anniversary. That would have been 2015. There are many other things she was sad about but that was one thing she shared. I came home because I was under the impression that it would not go on this long. I was also under the impression that she would just sleep until the end.

Everyone copes differently . . . some of us continue on with our lives while other shut down. Shutting themselves away to wallow in sorrow. How people cope is a personal thing. Neither is right or wrong . . . it is just how we deal. I have been lifted up by teaching my classes and moving. My Nia students care and are supporting me. One of my yoga classes, the students don’t know. In one class where I was just subbing they didn’t know, but the peace and serenity in which they practiced REALLY helped me. It was so lovely to see their faces while they held their poses.

If it is not too much trouble, please keep your prayers and positive thoughts coming. They really are a source of strength to me.

Feel free to comment.

Posted in Diane Bacho | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 20 Comments »

Doesn’t Mean You Die Even When You Decide To

Posted by terrepruitt on April 1, 2014

HOLY MOLY!!!! Sigh. Ok, I feel that since I started it, I need to continue with it. Right? I mean, it is not my intention to make my blog all about death, but since I asked for love and support, I think it is only fair that I give you all an update. I sat with my mother in her hospital room for roughly seven days. During that time she was presented with an option that would have been extremely painful and risky. The surgeon gave three scenarios that could occur and two of them pretty much ended with immediate death, so she opted to skip the procedure and just spend her last days with a tube down her throat, unable to speak and unable to cry. She entertained visitors. Not many because it was exhausting to her. She also was asked to pick the day on which she would have the tube removed. The thoughts were that her trachea is so encroached with cancer and would be so traumatized by the tube that when they pulled it out she would not have much time before she died.

Regarding the procedure mentioned — for those that are curious — it was a stent. A stent was to be placed in the trachea. The idea was that it would hold open the collapsing trachea so that she could breathe. But, it would only be for a few days. The stent is not a permanent or even semi-permanent solution. It is also metal and rigid, it would not have flexed and moved. It would have been very uncomfortable/painful, because the trachea moves.

She did not want to go. She had a lot left she wanted to do. Knowing she couldn’t do ALL that she wanted to do before she died, she thought she could at least do SOMETHINGS. So she decided to have the tube removed on Monday. She made that decision on a Wednesday. It is MY belief that if she knew all that she would have to go through between Wednesday, March 26th, and Monday, March 31st she would not have picked that day. But she wanted to at least get her Easter cards written out. She also wanted to advise me of who gets what in the stack of Christmas gifts she already bought. She also wanted to spend as much time with her family as she could — who wouldn’t, right? But in order to do so she suffered a lot. The medical professionals taking care of her were always there to administer the drugs she needed so she wouldn’t be in pain, but those drugs made her groggy and unable to think clearly so sometimes I think she held off a bit. Plus the procedures that need to be done to allow someone to breath through a tube are not comfortable. So anyway . . .

Hand holding - for post 04.01.14We got to visit for several days. As I have said several times, she was unable to talk with the tube in her throat. She also was unable to cry because the contractions that happen when one cries caused too much pain. Normally I would not tell someone not to cry because crying is such a great release. I believe crying is good for the BMES – ha, yes, that is a Nia acronym. It helps clear the tear ducts and allows for a physical release. Crying helps clear the mind also. It is an emotional release as well as a spirit helper so to me, it is a good thing. So if you want to cry, cry — except while you are driving or you have tube down your throat and it hurts too much.

I was there until Friday night. I got home around midnight on Friday. I came home to do some laundry, teach a yoga class, do some paper work, and pick up my husband. We went back up Saturday night. We visited all day Sunday and waited around for 1:00 pm on Monday. We all were under the impression that at 1:00 pm it would happen. But we all forgot that “hospital time” is not exact. They do things — even scheduled things — around other things. So our 1:00 pm scheduled extubation turned into 2:28 pm. I trusted the medical staff (although it turned out not to be who we were told it would be) would see that she was not in pain, but we still didn’t know if there would be any gasping and gagging and who knows. I was confident that it would not be a long time after. I saw the MRI of the trachea/esophagus area. Nurses and doctors helped convince me that it would be quick. Well it was not. We are going into our 29th hour.  While my mom is so medicated she doesn’t know what is going on and she feels no pain . . . this is NOT what she would have wanted. Lingering on. In fact every visitor that came to visit her while I was there, her answer to their comment of “I’m praying for you.” was “Pray that I don’t linger.” Again, I am at a loss.

Yes, we all have ideas as to why she has not died . . . . she is not ready . . . . she is doing it in her own time (something we call Natural Time in Nia) . . . ALL TYPES of ideas . . . but really we don’t know. All that I know is that this is really hard on my dad. This is not a case where she might revive and be ok. This is not a hopeful, “Oh, I’ll sit by your bedside until you are awake.” This is a grueling death watch. Judge me anyway you want, I left last night. I didn’t want to see her as I know she would not want to be. I didn’t want to hear the “death rattle”. Ugh!  Since it is hard on my dad, if it drags on until the weekend I will go back up.

Well, this post is way longer than I like to have my post, but I really wanted to let you know what the status is. Also . . . I guess it helps to write it out. One more thing . . . I believe that I would not have been able to handle this if it weren’t for all of you. So many people have “come out of the wood work” to share and support and deliver sparkles. So thank you all for sharing and caring and giving. I have not been told I am loved or said, “I love you” this much in as many days before in my life.

Please keep up with those thoughts, prayers, stories, sparkles, and all that jazz.  It REALLY helps!

 

Posted in Diane Bacho | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments »

Really? The Goodie Jar?

Posted by terrepruitt on March 29, 2014

I had started a post telling the story of my mom’s last few years but then I had to go be with her. It was the first half of Deciding On Death. I was trying to finish it today, but I have to go. I have to get to her.

I realized as I was typing the title Deciding On Death that it might make people think my mom decided to die instead of stay alive. But that really was not the case earlier this week. She was told by the doctors that she had to pick the day. So a more accurate title would have been Deciding Which Day To Die.

Anyway . . . you might be wondering how I can be thinking about a Goodie Jar when faced with this awful thing. Well, I will tell you. First of all everyone deals with death differently. I’ve know this, but I very much experienced when my mother-in-law died. We all have our own way.

The way we are having to go through this is really awful and hard, but death is a part of life. We all die. Period. There is no getting around that.

For me, I have faith. I have faith in a plan, I have faith in an after life, I have faith in God. My mom, is really strong and is just being amazing . . . . she is helping us through this. I am also keeping really busy. I have also turned to my social network. I have an idea that when a loved one dies most people want to shout it out, most people want the world to know their pain — for whatever reason —- and I wanted to shout it out, so I did. And let me tell you, best thing I did! BEST. THING.

At one moment I was peaceful. Then someone shared an issue with me and wanted me to deal with it — even though it was not MY issue it was theirs and someone else’s — and that raised my stress level. Then I looked at my phone and saw an unfamiliar number. I thought it was a sales call but decided to listen to it anyway. And — SNAP! — Right then and there two seconds after I heard the voice and Jill announced her name, I was calmed. I was FILLED to the brim with joy. She has a beautiful voice and I had NEVER HEARD IT BEFORE. Her voice calmed me. Her words filled me. I am loved. I am supported. I said to myself, “HECK YEAH!” Because I had hesitated before I posted and then — BAM! — right away, the return was fabulous. I was transported into a good place.

And it is continuing to come. I am getting love, support, all the sparkles I asked for. I am getting stories about my mom. Stuff I didn’t know that is really cool to know. I just commented on my blog post to someone, “I guess they don’t call it support for nothing! ;-)”

So, remember all this time I have been telling you that the Goodie Jar is to remind us to take a moment to look at the good even though there is “other stuff”. Yeah, I wasn’t just blowing smoke people. There is ALWAYS good. And — for me, I am not saying that anyone else has to do this, this is ME, for me, myself and I — I HAVE to look at the good. I have to focus on the positive otherwise you would need a huge SHAM-WOW to mop up a huge Terre-size puddle that was on the floor!

So everyone of you that has taken time to share a story, send uber goodness at me and my family — YOU are all going in my Goodie Jar! I am ready to transfer to a bigger container now. Thank you.

(Monday, March 31, 2014, 1:00 pm)

What are YOU putting in your Goodie Jar?

 

PS  –  I reserve the right to become a puddle.  🙂

Posted in Diane Bacho, Good Things in the Goodie Jar, Misc | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 8 Comments »

Grief Is a Very Personal Thing

Posted by terrepruitt on November 1, 2011

So how do you handle grief?  Pub med says, “Grief is a reaction to a major loss.”  But then it says, “It is most often an unhappy and painful emotion.”  Wiki states, “While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement refers to the state of loss, and grief is the reaction to loss.” I guess they mean grief is an EMOTIONAL reaction to a major loss.  In relation to death, I believe that everyone grieves in their own way.  You have probably heard about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  I believe that these are emotions or feelings that people might go through when they are grieving.  And just because someone identified these stages doesn’t mean everyone goes through each stage.  If people do experience them they might not even be in this stated order.  These were just created to help people understand, to cope, and to connect, knowing that you aren’t the only one who felt angry or were in a state of denial.  Most important grief is very personal.

We all handle grief differently.  We all handle our emotions differently.  I believe that people can feel whatever they feel.  We don’t always have control over what we feel.  Emotions sometimes just pop up.  Sometimes they might even surprise us if we look at them.  Feelings are what they are.  I think it is healthy to let yourself feel whatever comes up.  I don’t think emotions should be pushed aside or ignored.  I don’t think they should be stifled.  Emotions just happen.

Nia Teacher, Oct. 23, 2011, Nia classI do believe that our reaction to our own emotions or the action we take while experiencing feelings might need to be regulated or contained.  For instance if you are grieving and angry it does not help the situation to lash out at those around you.  Others are sad too, and maybe they are angry too, but allowing all that anger to come out in harsh words and temper tantrums does no good at all.  When one is mean because they are angry at the situation, it does more harm than good.  I can understand someone feeling so much pain the first reaction might be to lash out, but for most people saying mean words and forming hurtful sentences is not a habit so in order to be so unkind it takes more effort than just a spur of the moment reaction.  Continuing to be cruel is something I deem unacceptable.

I also believe that as long as you are not harming anyone or causing harm to yourself you should be allowed to grieve in your own way for as long as you need to.  If I were to not get dressed and do nothing for two weeks, I wouldn’t really be harming anyone.  My circumstances would allow me to check out for a couple of weeks.  As long as it didn’t last too long it could be good for me.  But if I were in a situation where I was a caregiver, let’s say I had kids, it would not be acceptable for me to do nothing for two weeks.  Doing nothing for two weeks would cause harm to the children.  So how you act because of the grief really depends on the situation, but since it is so personal it is not easy to say that one’s way of acting is wrong.

I also think that there really is no time limit on sadness.  I think the sorrow will last forever.  I think there are moments of sadness.  But I also think that there is joy, it is ok to be happy.  It is ok to go on living.  I think it is even ok to recall the deceased with happiness.  I always marvel at instances where people’s behavior is deemed unacceptable.  Again, if they are not causing harm, then they should be able to deal with their grief in their own way.   I think it is healthy to allow yourself time and what you need in order to cope.  There are definitely as many ways to deal with loss as there are people. Grief and the way one works through it is a very personal thing.

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Celebration of Life

Posted by terrepruitt on May 28, 2011

This evening I went to a funeral of a man I did not know.  He was a former boss of my husband.  He was a huge influence in my husband’s life, in his career.  According to my husband he was more of a mentor and a teacher than a person that dictates tasks for you to carry out. He was one of those bosses that you are lucky to have when you get one.  A boss who actually inspires you to be a better employee, a better person.  This is what I thought my husband was saying when he talked about this man.  Even so a funeral is not something you look forward to.  They are sad and uncomfortable.  I am one of those people who believe that grieving is a very personal thing and we all do it differently.  If you are one that sits in the pew and weeps loudly, that is fine, but that is not to say that the person next to you with a dry eye cares any less.  Everyone grieves in their own way.  No one can say what is right and what is wrong.  Not having known the man nor his wife, I was a little curious when we walked up to the door and the smiling tiny figure introduced herself as his wife.  Her smile was so big and genuine.  She lit up more when she heard my husband’s name.  We stood right inside the doorway so I heard her greet everyone as they arrived.  She was happy to see and meet everyone that came up.  She was allowing herself to feel joy as the friends who loved her husband came to celebrate his life.

When she got up to speak that is what she said, she said we were there to celebrate his life.  She admitted that it was sad and that we will miss him, but he was so happy and positive the gathering was to be a celebration.  She said she was looking forward to hearing stories about her husband.  She said she was looking forward to the laughter.  She said that while there might be tears, while there will probably be tears, they will be tears of love.  Wow!  It was amazing.  “Tears of love.”  (I love that!) 

I am not sure, but it sounded like he might have been sick for a while and maybe even suffering so maybe not having him suffer was a relief.  I know I would hate to see my loved ones suffer.  I cannot speak to the actual background, I can only tell you what I saw and this woman was truly celebrating the LIFE (not the death) of her husband.

All the people who spoke confirmed what my husband said and more.  They all said that this man was positive and he always smiled.  A large group of his employees and co-workers were there and they all said he was a great boss.  It was awesome.  I really don’t think I have EVER heard so much laughter at a funeral.  It was amazing.  When someone dies, it is beyond sad, there are sooooo many reasons to be sad; they will be missed, they will miss things to come that are happening here and sharing that sadness is a way people begin the healing process and begin to move on.  There is also great healing to be had from a celebration.  Laughter is a great thing.  Tears are always going to come, but there will not always be a chance to sit and hear stories and tell stories and laugh about the stories.  It was nice that this gathering was held to allow for people in his life to speak of the great times they had with him.  The widow said she enjoyed the stories and the laughter.  Even if this celebration only gave her a few hours of relief from tears it really was a celebration of life.

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