Sometimes I just can’t figure it out. I do know that when my body is fighting off something (a cold, a virus, or the sickness that is going around) I get grumpy. I don’t get sick, but I get grumpy and I don’t know why. It is probably because I am feeling less than 100%, but not sick. My hubby and I have not actually been sick since last January. Where we got something from the family at the Holiday dinner and it took us down for days. Me – for one and half to be exact. I just went to bed. My hubby took longer to get better because he didn’t just go to bed. He — like most people have to work. I was lucky enough that it hit me Thursday after my class and I didn’t have a class on Friday so I slept all day. I remember it well because I have never just slept like that. I remember I got up once to make dinner and eat, but then I was back in bed. I wanted to get rid of it. Sometimes there are things going on that I allow myself to stress out about. Like when I am learning a new routine. I’ve told you that before. But usually after teaching it for the first time the sense of “nervousness” goes away. Could be that I messed up bad yesterday and forgot to do something I told someone I would do. Never have done that before. Don’t want to do it again. I do know that is really bothering me. But it could also be that thing I am trying to not let bother me. I don’t THINK it is bothering me . . . but I feel odd . . . so it COULD be bothering me. So like I said, sometimes I just can’t figure it out. Is my body working really hard to keep from getting sick? Am I so mad at myself for being forgetful that I can’t forgive myself and have this icky feeling inside? Or is it that THING I am not thinking about? And in not thinking about it, I am thinking about it. I do think that sometimes grief has this “buzz” about it. It might not be there all big and hairy making you cry and wail, but it is there. It makes you edgy. Sometimes even a little jumpy. And it is not so much that I am not thinking about it, it is more that I was going to try not to mention it. But . . . . I think, trying not to mention it and trying to just let it be “not a big deal” is in fact making it a big deal. Grrrr! So . . . not to make a big deal out of it, but to see if putting it out there helps relieve this tightness (almost like heartburn) in my chest and throat I will no longer ignore the THING. Today is my mom’s birthday.
She and I are twenty years apart. She would have been 67. I had hoped I would have her around until she was in her 80s, but that didn’t happen.
I had thought that my dad and niece and I would get together and do something for my mom’s birthday, but we decided not to. I never know if my dad is just trying to be brave or if he really thinks he is ok. I also had secured tickets to an event this weekend so that had me believing my dad and letting him be. He had a lot of projects he is doing. “Keeping busy” as he says.
So really, I wasn’t going to say anything, but like, I said, there is something . . . . I can’t figure it out. So I was thinking NOT SAYING ANYTHING, might be it. Because otherwise I am excited. I have a new Nia class. I mentioned in a recent post that I was going to filling in for someone. Turns out the “filling in” is going to be a permanent situation. Remembering, of course, that “permanent” is still a flexible term. I have to make sure the number of attendees in the other classes don’t go down. A thought I had had, was, having Nia three times a week, might keep people from coming to the other two classes. But today we had a record breaker. So, we will see.
There are also a few other good things going on. Perhaps they are good, but causing some stress? I don’t know. Like I said, sometimes I just can’t figure it out. All I can figure out is that there is SOMETHING and I don’t like it. So I am doing things, trying this and trying that to see what works.
What do you think? Do you agree with the idea that grief can just hang out and make you edgy? Do you think sometimes it is like that annoying thing you can’t put your finger on? Do you understand it is not always tears and big time sorrow? 
Terre Pruitt's Blog 